My First "Dear John" Letter

or

How would John Hinderaker pronounce "Fellatio"?

Dear John Hinderaker,

I recently read your outstanding piece on Obama's gaffe of mispronouncing "Orion":

Everyone knows that Barack Obama is lost without his teleprompter, but his latest blunder, courtesy of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, via the Corner, suggests that the teleprompter may not be enough unless it includes phonetic spellings. Obama was speaking at a White House roundtable on clean energy systems, and repeatedly saluted Orion Energy Systems, whose CEO, Neal Verfuerth, was present at the event. So Obama referred to "Orion" a number of times. Only problem was, he appeared to be unfamiliar with the word:

All terrific press for Orion, except that Obama kept pronouncing the company's name wrong, calling it OAR-ee-on.

Unbelievable. Orion is one of the best-known constellations, mostly because it actually looks like its namesake. So evidently we have to add astronomy to history and economics as subjects of which Obama is remarkably ignorant. I'm beginning to fear that our President has below-average knowledge of the world. Not for a President, but for a middle-aged American.

Aside from a few minor corrections, I would say this is Pulitzer Prize material John. If I may I would like to point out a few things though. For starters, you probably shouldn't open with the argumentum ad populum fallacy because it comes off like the beginning of an urban legend involving soda and pop rocks or hypodermic needles in the ball pits of McDonald's, and that could damage your stellar reputation because, well... "Everyone knows" about them. I mean I once heard someone claim that "Everyone knows John Hinderaker loves to fellate corndogs." Just because "everyone knows" doesn't make it true, does it John?



Secondly, I don't think you are emphasizing the gravity of the situation enough. In a time of economic turmoil, failing insurance giants, and record unemployment not seen since the Great Depression; you could have shown how Obama's mispronunciation caused the stock market to plummet, caused childhood tooth decay, or worse yet, caused God to arbitrarily kill a kitten. Not that you need empirical evidence to back any of this up, Hell, your claim that Orion somehow looks like its namesake is a perfect example of this. I mean come on John, a few closely clustered stars look like Orion himself? I can barely make out his belt, let alone his exciting sheepskin loincloth. Can you make that out John? because I can't. The Big Dipper on the other hand, that looks like a rectangular ladle if I ever saw one.

Still, your core point is solid and I can't thank you enough for bringing it the media attention it deserves. Barack Obama is an incompetent dumbass because he mispronounced the word Orion. And to think this guy holds a degree in Constitutional law... They must be giving those out in Cracker Jack Boxes or something. LOL!!! Oar ree on... What an idiot!!! What's next for this buffoon in chief? Nuke-a-ler? Is he going to tell us it is hard to put food on our family? Is our children learning?

Speaking of which, I am sure you were just as critical of George W. Bush back in the day:

It must be very strange to be President Bush. A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius, he can't get anyone to notice. He is like a great painter or musician who is ahead of his time, and who unveils one masterpiece after another to a reception that, when not bored, is hostile.

Wow John... just wow. You probably need a towel to wipe off your face after that. Perhaps I was wrong about you and that corn dog. What are you doing this weekend?

Sincerely,

"Buck" from Mildly Brilliant

Brown Sugar

Dear Condoleezza,

It seems  we have some common interests, at least according to a recent Forbes Article. Perhaps we could spend some time together and really get to know one another. I've been looking for a special girl like you - a girl I can cuddle with while watching monday night football. Someone with whom to take romantic strolls along the beach and to share romantic candle lit dinners. I think there is so much we could discover together.

I look into the subtle shiftiness of your eyes and my heart just melts - those are the eyes of love. Those eyes say a lot about you. They say you are adventurous and romantic and that you like to try new things.  Feltching perhaps?  No not you, you are too sophisticated for such an act reserved for commoners.  I envision you playing Moonlight sonata, followed by a rousing encore of your favorite John Tesh piece whilst an underling of your choice flogs me for being insubordinate.  That's when you step in, or should I say step on... as in my testicles with those all too sexy dominatrix boots you love to wear, ripping off your corporate-fascist dress revealing your crotchless panties and all leather sportsbra.  While I beg for your forgiveness you strap on your finest John Holmes replica member and proceed to savagely test the limits of my prostate while reciting pros from Milton Friedman. 

This doesn't have to just be a dream. Together we can make the special light of love glow. I long for the day you chain me to the toilet, squat over me and defecate on my face, telling me my mother is a whore. I eagerly await your reply my love, my saucy little Condi. Until then I will have this article to accompany me through the long, lonely nights.

Take care my love and may God bless.

Faithfully yours,

Bennington Williams III Esq.