Monday, September 28, 2009

Douche Bag of the Week: Chuck Norris

I have never really liked Chuck Norris: he has too much back hair, can't act for shit, uses karate, and is apparently nuttier than squirrel shit. As if backing Mike Huckabee in last year's election wasn't enough, he has been wanking poetic on World Nut Daily about how great the "nonpartisan" 9/12 movement is. But if that wasn't enough, he now thinks the "patriotic" thing to do is to... well... desecrate the flag? WTF?!?
As 9/12 concluded, we all heard many ways to keep this revolutionary movement going. But I was sitting back thinking there's one way we can take a daily stand and declare that, as for my me and my house, we will serve God and the republic as the founders did.

If that describes you, then I suggest you fly some revolutionary flag in lieu of your 50 star flag over the next year or so. Post the 13-star Betsy Ross flag, Navy Jack or Gadsden flag ("Don't Tread On Me") or any representation that tells the story of Old Glory and makes a stand for our founders' vision of America.

Yes, back to the good ole days when slavery was legal...
Of course patriots know that the 50 stars flag truly represents one nation under God and our founders' republic, but modernists simply don't get it.

I thought the 50 star flag stood for the fifty states in the union, you know, that thing numerous speakers and supporters of that tea-bagging movement have openly endorsed succeeding from? Oh, and "Under God" wasn't added to the Pledge of Allegiance until 1954. Not to mention our founding fathers had nothing to do with it. Do yourself a favor Chuck and Google the author of it, Francis Bellamy, a... wait for it... SOCIALIST!!! Of course, being a modernist, I just don't get any of it.
So what do you say we make a statement by flying a different flag, and educate our neighbors when they ask us, "Why are you flying that flag instead of the contemporary stars and stripes?" (If you insist on posting a modern U.S.A. flag too, then get one that has been tea stained, to show your solidarity with our founders).

So let me see if I get this straight. If a liberal burns a flag in protest or because they feel certain actions taken by certain leaders have desecrated the American flag (which is what you are supposed to do), that is unpatriotic. But if you are an ill-informed useful idiot who can't stand nine months of a black man in office then it is perfectly okay to desecrate an American flag by staining it with tea? Is there no idea too idiotic for you to shill for Chuck, or did you run out of exercise machines to sell?

Here's my idea for spending the rest of the stimulus: We use it to exhume and reanimate Bruce Lee to knock the stupid out of you. What do you think? I think the tax payers would love it.

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