Friday, March 27, 2009

Boyfriend Application

I love these because some guys actually try to fill these out seriously in attempts to woo the women who post them. I, of course, could never bring myself to do such a cheesy thing:
If you think you can own up to the job then fill it out!

Dont waste my time with YES and NO answers i want detailed responses!

LOVE YA MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

Name: YES
Age: NO
Location: Earth
Height: 5'9"
Hair (color and style): dark brown, long
Eyes: Two
Piercings/tattoos: Prince Albert

1. Where would we go on dates? Walmart
2. Who are three (or more) of your favorite bands/artists? Yes (no really, there is a band named "Yes") Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Queen, David Bowie, Coldplay, Radiohead, Muse, etc...
3. Do you drink/smoke?? Who me? Never...
4. Do you like the rain? No I want the planet to whither in a perpetual drought.
5. If so... would you play in it with me? Sure but I have to wear my galoshes or my mom will kill me.
6. Do you like movies? Is this a rhetorical question?
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? As long as you have Redbull... or crack.
8. Could we cuddle and just fall asleep together? Sure, but it's gonna cost you... no really the first two minutes are free and $1.99 each additional minute.
9. Would you kiss my forehead? That depends on where it has been.
10. How many gf's have u had in the past? What? At the same time or individually?
11. Whats do you like best about me? Your ass.
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother to make sure i made it home alright? Sure, why not?
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10? 11
14. Favorite body part on a member of the opposite sex? It's a toss up between the cerebrum and the vagina.
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? I am regular. Thank you Fiber One!!!
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, slut)? I had sex with two girls for seven hours straight in my RV that was parked in front of Brian's house while all my co-workers were partying. Does that count? Oh yeah, and then I made them spaghetti.
17. Would you give me kisses just because? If you asked me to, I'd consider it.
18. Do you enjoy a good fucking? See question #16.

What Would You do if...
I said I liked you: Agree with you.
I kissed you: Try to cop a feel.
I was hospitalized: Pull the plug.
We got in a fight: Win.
I got dumped: Load you up with drugs and take you to a gay bar, or McDonald's... whichever is closer.
I pissed you off: You'll find out.
I got naked: Spoon my eyes out.

What Do You Think Of My...
Personality: Nothing that a frontal lobotomy won't fix.
Eyes: Are they 20/20?
Face: Do-able
Hair: It's blonde.
Clothes: They make bag-ladies jealous.
Voice: Nails on a chalkboard.
Humor: I'm hoping have a good sense of one, otherwise I should start looking over my shoulder more often.
Choice of music: I don't know what you listen to but I probably would hate it.
Manners: I'm betting you don't know where the salad fork goes.
Friends: They are all alcoholic assholes and that's exactly why I drink with them... birds of feather and all.
Decisions: Seriously, how long is this fucking application?!?

Would You...
Be my friend: Are you going to pay me?
Tell me the truth no matter what: Yes because I was a boy-scout.
Buy me a birthday gift: That's what the 99 cent store if for.
Lie to make me feel better: No because that would be dishonest.
Keep a secret if I told you one: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
Loan me some cash: Fuck no.
Hold my hand: That's just gay.
Keep in touch: That's what I'm doing right now.
Make me a snack: Hope you like peanut butter and Saltines.
Love me: In a chaste and biblical way of course.
Makeout with me: If the bottle spun your direction, sure why not?
Hold me in times of need: Depends on what day it is.
Date me: You're a quarter of a century old.
kiss with me whenever you had the chance: Is there a monetary incentive?

And I wonder why I am single...

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