I met a girl...

So, I met a girl I like that I originally met online. I met her out in Los Angeles this past Friday and as usual things didn't go as planned. My family was in town celebrating my brother's college graduation at a local sushi joint and as a result I missed four of her phone calls. So, she ended up calling one of her local friends because she didn't think I would show. Her friend seemed like an alright person, but became rather annoying when she decided that the event for the evening would consist of visiting some guy she had a crush on in Culver City. I was naturally uncomfortable and annoyed by this dynamic so I resorted to the usual back up plan of a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. After a lot of noise and hopelessly romantic sighs, she left the two of us alone and I instantly regressed into the social retard I am around women I find attractive.

The various nick-knacks around the house caught my eye and I used my curiosity of my surroundings as an excuse to bide my time until I could work up the courage to sit next to her. We watched a few videos from A Perfect Circle for while and then she offered me a Vicoden, which I took enthusiastically of course. This was mistake number two. After getting an hour of sleep the night before and a half a bottle of wine, Vicoden is a really bad idea. My heart rate shot through the roof and my body felt like it was going to rip out of my skin. At one point she turned her back to me and scooted close to me in bed. Like the jackass I am, I couldn't just take the hint and actually had to ask her permission to cuddle with her. I am such a lame ass.

It was about that time that the ten pounds of chocolate I had eaten that day started to take effect and every time she would squeeze in a little too close that I would get a raging erection. I tried to hide it and eventually ended up putting the comforter in between as a pathetic attempt to hide it: she would later tell me she was awake the whole time and found it cute that I was trying to hide it. It wasn't until the early morning hours that I fell asleep as evidenced by my incessant snoring.

In the morning I lost all sense of modesty, which was soon replaced by an incredible urge to make love to her in any way I could. I started rubbing her back and gently kissing her neck and ear as I felt the lust bubbling up within me. To say that she was cute would be an understatement, everything about her fascinated me from her bright blue eyes, to the her mischievous smile... she was the epitome of youth with wisdom beyond her years and as long as I laid next to her in bed I felt youthful too.

When we kissed she bit hard and it kind of hurt but there was something strangely appealing to it and I would be lying if I said I wasn't fascinated with her breasts. Even the milky white smoothness of her abdomen hypnotized me as well as did the taste of her skin. I gladly ran my tongue down the curves of her body from under the lines of her jaw and under her ear, down her chest following the line of symmetry and lightly kissed around her naval. She was absolutely delectable and it seemed every inch of her body tasted wonderful. If she were a pastry, she would have been Angel food Cake.

My friends teased me when I got back. They asked me if I was done robbing the cradle and so on. I told them to fuck off and that I had fun. I told them that I hadn't had intercourse with her, and of course they didn't believe me right off the bat. And for those of you with lingering questions: yes she was legal; no I didn't go for her because she was "ripe for the pickings"; and yes I do really find her attractive both physically and mentally.

You may commence with the dirty old man jokes now.