Monday, June 26, 2006

I am tired of being angry...

Someone recently told me something I took to heart, I am too angry and I need to let go of my hatred. Of course this person is not the first person to tell me this. My grandfather has been telling me this for years, and even my father and mother who were my role models for my rage have said the same; but for some reason when this person said this it really registered. I told this person that I wanted to contribute something to society, heal it as opposed to destroying it like so many of my generation have chosen to do.

But why did the person succeed in telling me the truth where so many had failed? I believe it had to do with the age factor. Her predecessors all had been older than me and I always took it as some older person giving advise to an angry youth who spent too much time chasing his own tail; but her on the other hand, this was a voice of wisdom that was significantly younger than me. She basically pointed out that angry people couldn’t heal anything or anyone because they need to heal themselves first. I know this may seem like common sense to a lot of people out there, but it was an epiphany for me.

I know that there are a lot of you out there that like my blend of wit and vitriol and I am glad that it has made a lot of people laugh but I am going to try not to put down others anymore, nor am I going to obsess over what I cannot change because I think all of this is greatly affecting my health. That is another revelation I would like to bring to the forefront: Lately I haven't been very healthy, both emotionally and physically. It seems that the mind and body are not separate entities and my external self is manifesting my internal turmoil.

Those of you who are close and who talk to me have known that ever since I lost my job at the school I have been in a downward spiral. I have done a few things I am not proud of and wish I could take back, but I know I can't. I have been having seemingly random emotional outbursts and even as I write this I am finding hard to not to break down in tears. I know that had I had a gun I probably would have killed myself, and I think it is safe to say that I have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for far too long.

So now in my most intense moment of honesty I would like to say something before this feeling passes. I want to say I am sorry to anyone I have offended, intentionally or not. I also want to say thank you to all of you who have put up with my drunken ramblings of self-loathing and all that is "woe is me." Thank you for listening to me, thank you for celebrating with me, thank you for accepting me for who I am; no matter how much of a downer I have been or how much of a loose cannon I have been.

Thank you for reading my rants and opinions, my testaments of trials and errors, and the chronicles of my follies. Thank your for just giving a damn. You are the reasons that I have not done the unthinkable, and I just thought you all should know that.

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