Bring amb-a-lance..

At least it is honest...

Remember when kids use to dress up as knights, ninjas, superheroes, etc? Is hope that lost that we dress our kids up as low income mail couriers? Is there a McDonald's manager costume, or do you have to go to Hamburger University to get it? And what about the girls: are princess costumes out and stripper costumes in? Will it come with make up and fake c-section scars to add to its authenticity?

So many questions this year... And I still haven't figured out what I am going to dress up as this year.

Jesus Is My Friend

"He taught me how to pray and how to save my soul,
he taught me how to praise my God and still play rock 'n' roll."

Sheer genius.

Screw Dora the Explorer...

...we need to return to a more wholesome children's programming like this.

There's a Rep. for that.

Nice spoof of iPhone commercials starring your favorite guano-insane right-wingers...

Ediots...

Sounds like a sign crafted by Ren Höek of Ren & Stimpy... You ediot!!!
Seriously, this guy's sign is the furthest thing from clever. Who starts the first letter of an acronym with the actual word the acronym is? Only an idiot ediot.

Hell no, pubics gotta go!!!

I know that social conservatives hate everything to do groin area, but this is ridiculous.

Can't fool Republicans...

Sadly, this is about right. I never understood how they can believe overly complex and easily debunked misinformation, but something backed by the scientific community.... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bert & Ernie Ante Up

In an attempt to stifle the rumor that they are gay, the duo have decided to show the thuggish side of da Sesame Street in this gangsta rap video.

Beer-Thirty

Click on image to enlarge.

Paid $50 to fail a smog test.

Paid $98 to postpone my registration.

Charged $2 to pull out money from Shitibank ATM.

$150 just to be able to drive my car for thirty more days...

It's about that time.

Stoned cop calls 911

Uh... Your just really stoned guy. Get over it.

Boyfriend Application

I love these because some guys actually try to fill these out seriously in attempts to woo the women who post them. I, of course, could never bring myself to do such a cheesy thing:

If you think you can own up to the job then fill it out!

Dont waste my time with YES and NO answers i want detailed responses!

LOVE YA MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!



BASICS:
Name: YES
Age: NO
Location: Earth
Height: 5'9"
Hair (color and style): dark brown, long
Eyes: Two
Piercings/tattoos: Prince Albert

OTHER:
1. Where would we go on dates? Walmart
2. Who are three (or more) of your favorite bands/artists? Yes (no really, there is a band named "Yes") Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Queen, David Bowie, Coldplay, Radiohead, Muse, etc...
3. Do you drink/smoke?? Who me? Never...
4. Do you like the rain? No I want the planet to whither in a perpetual drought.
5. If so... would you play in it with me? Sure but I have to wear my galoshes or my mom will kill me.
6. Do you like movies? Is this a rhetorical question?
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? As long as you have Redbull... or crack.
8. Could we cuddle and just fall asleep together? Sure, but it's gonna cost you... no really the first two minutes are free and $1.99 each additional minute.
9. Would you kiss my forehead? That depends on where it has been.
10. How many gf's have u had in the past? What? At the same time or individually?
11. Whats do you like best about me? Your ass.
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother to make sure i made it home alright? Sure, why not?
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10? 11
14. Favorite body part on a member of the opposite sex? It's a toss up between the cerebrum and the vagina.
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? I am regular. Thank you Fiber One!!!
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, slut)? I had sex with two girls for seven hours straight in my RV that was parked in front of Brian's house while all my co-workers were partying. Does that count? Oh yeah, and then I made them spaghetti.
17. Would you give me kisses just because? If you asked me to, I'd consider it.
18. Do you enjoy a good fucking? See question #16.


What Would You do if...
I said I liked you: Agree with you.
I kissed you: Try to cop a feel.
I was hospitalized: Pull the plug.
We got in a fight: Win.
I got dumped: Load you up with drugs and take you to a gay bar, or McDonald's... whichever is closer.
I pissed you off: You'll find out.
I got naked: Spoon my eyes out.

What Do You Think Of My...
Personality: Nothing that a frontal lobotomy won't fix.
Eyes: Are they 20/20?
Face: Do-able
Hair: It's blonde.
Clothes: They make bag-ladies jealous.
Voice: Nails on a chalkboard.
Humor: I'm hoping have a good sense of one, otherwise I should start looking over my shoulder more often.
Choice of music: I don't know what you listen to but I probably would hate it.
Manners: I'm betting you don't know where the salad fork goes.
Friends: They are all alcoholic assholes and that's exactly why I drink with them... birds of feather and all.
Decisions: Seriously, how long is this fucking application?!?



Would You...
Be my friend: Are you going to pay me?
Tell me the truth no matter what: Yes because I was a boy-scout.
Buy me a birthday gift: That's what the 99 cent store if for.
Lie to make me feel better: No because that would be dishonest.
Keep a secret if I told you one: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
Loan me some cash: Fuck no.
Hold my hand: That's just gay.
Keep in touch: That's what I'm doing right now.
Make me a snack: Hope you like peanut butter and Saltines.
Love me: In a chaste and biblical way of course.
Makeout with me: If the bottle spun your direction, sure why not?
Hold me in times of need: Depends on what day it is.
Date me: You're a quarter of a century old.
kiss with me whenever you had the chance: Is there a monetary incentive?

And I wonder why I am single...

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts....

...Look at them all standing in a row... Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head...



Check out the grill on this mug.... a face only a mother could love.



This poor lad is the unfortunate result of Pop Rocks mixed with soda... Kids don't try this at home.

Dave Letterman's Top Ten Bush Moments

My favorite is the basket ball...

Douche Bag of the Year

I know everyone is sick of 2008 and the political circus that accompanied it, but every other site on the net has had some sort of award for the biggest freaks and losers of said year. So I thought "what the Hell, let's pretend we are the mainstream media, exhume a dead equine, and proceed to beat it senseless... er? So I have been thinking long and hard of who had the most potent vinegar cleansing aroma of 2008. Who could eliminate that not so fresh feeling... down there. I was about to give up until I learned that Joe the Plumber has decided that he is going to be a war correspondent. I shit you not. This no talent flash in the pan opportunistic hack is refusing to go away even though his shelf life is way past due. And what pray tell is this tax evading wannabe plumber's angle?

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher (WUR'-zuhl-bah-kur) says he'll spend 10 days covering the fighting.

He tells WNWO-TV in Toledo that he wants to let Israel's "'Average Joes' share their story."

I know what you are thinking. Can a faux plumber with zero press credentials maintain the integrity of today's scrupulous media? Well rest assured friends he has been preparing himself for this journalistic endeavor:

Ah you know I've just been studying new, everything that comes out on the news lately, um, trying to get uh, how to pronounciate some of the names, things like that.

Yes Joe, it might be a good idea to learn how to pronouciate names, but why stop there? You might even want to try pronounciating other words, like the names of cities, local expressions and while your at it, some words that hail from the English language: words like "pronounce". Joe, your stunning mastery of the English language surpasses that of standard idiocy and verges on the realm of art. Of course what is to be expected from a man who didn't believe in a tax cut plan that would have been ideal for him? So congratulations on this highest honor, an honor that comes but once a year. I would have bought you a thesaurus to mark the occasion, but I am guessing you don't believe in dinosaurs as well.



Vintage Douche

Two bulls on a hill...

Two bulls are standing on a hill overlooking a pasture full of cows. The young bull eagerly says to the old bull "Hey, let's run down there and fuck ourselves a cow. The old bull chuckles and calmly replies "Let's walk down, and fuck them all".

I told my grandfather that joke nearly three days ago and he is still laughing about it.

Family Guy: McCain Palin Button

God I love this show...

Happy New Year!!!

Click to enlarge.

Randy Train

This is what happens when you combine two roommates, a cheap thirty dollar digital camera, an old train set, and a box of wine...

This video is dedicated to you Stan.

Homer tries to vote for Obama

Since we are already talking about Homer, I thought this was appropriate... Well at least more than the cartoon I did when I was younger...