Eight years ago when I saw a preview for the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie come out, I peed myself just a little. As a child, I loved the ride, the song, and the general idea of being a pirate, so I couldn't wait for the movie to come out. Still, in the back of my mind, I was aware of what Disney does to movies, so I didn't have too high of expectations. The movie turned out to be what all us kids inside always dreamt about: buccaneers, swashbuckling swordplay, daring rescues, romance and adventure on the high seas... Plus Johnny Depp.
Of course it had it minor hiccups, Orlando Bloom's character was, for lack of better words, a complete douche, and two men managed to pull a capsized dingy with a giant air bubble underwater... somehow. It still was a good movie and it had a decent and easy to follow plot: Cursed Aztec gold, undead pirates, young love, and the quintessential villainous pirate Captain Barbosa, as played masterfully by Geoffrey Rush. I didn't even mind the CGI. But after going from feats of semi-plausibility (often explained by supernatural conditions in the first Pirates) to Jack somersaulting from across a ravine while strapped to a pole and his knee caps somehow don't launch into the stratosphere... To seeing how many laws of physics can we break while countless pirates swing between two ships circling a Maelstrom to cross swords with immortal monsters while simultaneously performing a wedding--I didn't have that high of expectations for the fourth installment.
With this in mind, an old friend and I went see the midnight showing. That said, I was still let down. The elements are all there, the familiar musical score by Hans Zimmer, the iconic characters like Jack Sparrow, Hector Barbosa, Master Gibbs are there help you feel at home, but it is like returning home after you left for college... At first you are nostalgic, but then you realize it is just the remnants of an era... long gone. The movie is about Captain Jack Sparrow and seemingly everybody else's quest for the Fountain of Youth, as you might have guessed, it comes off contrived and convoluted, even more so than the second and third movies, but without Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) to offer up an intriguing antagonist.
Instead you have the dreaded Blackbeard (Ian McShane) whose most interesting scene is his introduction where he comes out with burning hemp wicks in his beard, something the historical Edward Teach was known for. Then he points his sword which apparently animates the ropes of the ship, which is never explained why or how, and turns them against the crew. Teach also has magic voodoo powers and turns his crew into zombies that can't be killed, which like the sword and why I paid $11 to see this movie, has no explanation.
Penelope Cruz plays the daughter Blackbeard could give exactly two flying shits about, and is a stereotypical hot tempered and traitorous Latin bitch, unlike every other movie I have ever seen her in. And to fill the slot of the obligatory douche character, a slot previously filled by Orlando Bloom, is a two dimensional missionary played by some jack off I am too lazy to look up, who, incidentally, is trying to save Black Beard's soul. The only cool element of the movie is that they portrayed mermaids as what they were in the minds of the ancient greeks: monsters. Of course, Disney finds a way to ruin that by having one of the mermaids fall in love with Massengill boy in an onscreen romance that an upwards of maybe three people in the theatre gave a shit about.
I found myself wondering when it was going to be over and my friend almost fell asleep. And most tellingly, at the end of the movie no one in the audience clapped. All in all, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a movie you might want to see at matinee or on Blu-Ray. I give it a C-
Showing posts with label Movie Reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movie Reviews. Show all posts
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Movie Reviews: Dead or Alive
Cross posted at The Church of Awesomeness:
A movie that should be reserved for the completely inebriated and severely retarded; Dead or Alive stays true to its vague critic reference from View London: "The best movie adaption of a video game so far!" Well not really...
DOA is what the offspring of "Enter the Dragon," "Mortal Kombat," and any arbitrary episode of "The Three Stooges" would have been like if it had been given a Latte enema. The characters are ridiculous: Kasumi is a ninja princess, somehow... whose love interest is an extremely emasculated rendition of Ryu Hayabusa the super ninja of Tecmo fame; Ayane appears less Asian than the girl who plays Christie (a theoretically English girl); the Chinese characters Lei Fang and Jann Lee are disposed of quickly and stereotypically; and the general tone of the film is reminiscent of a feminist exploitation flick on steroids so powerful they are still considered "unclassifiable" to the likes of Barry Bonds. This production is a joke, as the cheap-ass CGI stands testament to.
But the truly oxymoronic bent lies in the moral of this fucked up fable... Not what the director meant to convey, but that which is important to savage bigamists like myself. A lesson that some thoughtfully articulated choreography, delightfully symmetrical women, and an eclectic collection of martial artists will always make me harder than Chinese algebra.
Given these circumstances, I give this movie a C+.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Movie Review: Broken Flowers
Returning from a visit to a girlfriend of mine in San Diego, I dropped into LA to pay my buddy Chip a visit. Weary from my travels, he popped in a movie and sparked up a much needed bowl. Although I fell asleep the first time through the movie, I finished Jim Jarmusch's "Broken Flowers" this morning.
Synopsis:
Bill Murray plays the protagonist (if you can call his character that), Don Johnston, who is an aging Don Juan. We are acquainted with Don as his most recent flame, Sherry (Julie Delpy), is leaving him and here it can be seen how empty both Don and his life is. After her departure, Don opens a mysterious pink letter which informs him that he has an 18 year old son who is currently looking for him. Don's Ethiopian neighbor Winston (Jeffrey Wright) takes interest in Don's dilemma and sends Don out on a cross country road trip to meet up with old girlfriends to look for clues as to who the mother may be.
Spoiler alert: Skip if you don't want to ruin the surprises.
Along the way Don systematically reveals a life of missed opportunities, crushed souls, and regret. Laura (Sharon Stone)is a widowed free spirit of sorts who's race car driving husband died in a car crash on national television. She lives alone with her appropriately named daughter, Lolita (Alexis Dziena), who walks out of her room fully naked in front of Don. One of the films highlights, to be sure.
Dora (Frances Conroy) is a Realtor who is locked in a controlling marriage and a painfully sterile house in which it becomes obvious that she has exchanged for her flower child past. Don's third girlfriend is an animal communicator named Carmen (Jessica Lange) who clearly is suspicious of Don's motives and who is fiercely guarded by an overprotective and possibly lesbian secretary, at least I would like to think so, played by Chloë Sevigny. Penny (Tilda Swinton) is by far the most angry at Don for his past transgressions and has Don beaten up and left in his rental car out in the middle of a field.
His eye cut and his ego bruised, Don stops into a florist shop to buy his last bouquet of pink roses. The florist (Pell James) cleans up his wounds and he sets off to to see the last of his past lovers, and lays his bouquet on her grave. Indeed, this is one of the most powerful scenes in the movie as we see Don show true remorse as he sits by her grave sullen, silent, and staring off into oblivion as it starts to rain.
In the end, Don returns defeated and depressed with no clues as to who the mother may be or where his son is. Desperate for answers, Don spots a young man in the street and mistakens him for his son. After buying him a sandwich and offering fatherly advise about past and present, Don scares off the young man when he announces that he may be his father. Freaked out by Don's seemingly random revelation, the boy runs away as Don tries to chase after him. Just then a blue-eyed boy (Homer Murray) drives by in a Volkswagon Bug who never breaks eye contact with Don until the car drives out of frame. Don stares out into the distance as the camera circles him twice and fades to black.
End spoiler.
Review:
Overall this is an excellent film that should resonate with most men who have had a past of sowing one's oats. This is sort of the Anti-Don Juan story, in where Don's past catches up with him and bachelorhood is shown for what it truly is, a life of loneliness, broken hearts, and meaningless sex. "Broken Flowers" will leave those who practice serial monogamy and one night stands with a healthy fear of the consequences of such a lifestyle, yet does so without coming off as preachy or self righteous.
The only flaw with this movie is that some of the scenes are painfully stagnant, as some of the shots are carried for long periods of time. In some instances this works exceptionally well, like during the awkward dinner at Dora's house, but other times certain shots could retain the humor and be fifteen seconds shorter. "Broken Flowers" tends to be a slow moving film with little dialogue, and most of its focus is on facial expression and body language. Unfortunately, this both helps and hurts the film as some of the subtlety will be lost on audience members with short attention spans.
Overall, I give this film an A-.
Synopsis:
Bill Murray plays the protagonist (if you can call his character that), Don Johnston, who is an aging Don Juan. We are acquainted with Don as his most recent flame, Sherry (Julie Delpy), is leaving him and here it can be seen how empty both Don and his life is. After her departure, Don opens a mysterious pink letter which informs him that he has an 18 year old son who is currently looking for him. Don's Ethiopian neighbor Winston (Jeffrey Wright) takes interest in Don's dilemma and sends Don out on a cross country road trip to meet up with old girlfriends to look for clues as to who the mother may be.
Spoiler alert: Skip if you don't want to ruin the surprises.
Along the way Don systematically reveals a life of missed opportunities, crushed souls, and regret. Laura (Sharon Stone)is a widowed free spirit of sorts who's race car driving husband died in a car crash on national television. She lives alone with her appropriately named daughter, Lolita (Alexis Dziena), who walks out of her room fully naked in front of Don. One of the films highlights, to be sure.
Dora (Frances Conroy) is a Realtor who is locked in a controlling marriage and a painfully sterile house in which it becomes obvious that she has exchanged for her flower child past. Don's third girlfriend is an animal communicator named Carmen (Jessica Lange) who clearly is suspicious of Don's motives and who is fiercely guarded by an overprotective and possibly lesbian secretary, at least I would like to think so, played by Chloë Sevigny. Penny (Tilda Swinton) is by far the most angry at Don for his past transgressions and has Don beaten up and left in his rental car out in the middle of a field.
His eye cut and his ego bruised, Don stops into a florist shop to buy his last bouquet of pink roses. The florist (Pell James) cleans up his wounds and he sets off to to see the last of his past lovers, and lays his bouquet on her grave. Indeed, this is one of the most powerful scenes in the movie as we see Don show true remorse as he sits by her grave sullen, silent, and staring off into oblivion as it starts to rain.
In the end, Don returns defeated and depressed with no clues as to who the mother may be or where his son is. Desperate for answers, Don spots a young man in the street and mistakens him for his son. After buying him a sandwich and offering fatherly advise about past and present, Don scares off the young man when he announces that he may be his father. Freaked out by Don's seemingly random revelation, the boy runs away as Don tries to chase after him. Just then a blue-eyed boy (Homer Murray) drives by in a Volkswagon Bug who never breaks eye contact with Don until the car drives out of frame. Don stares out into the distance as the camera circles him twice and fades to black.
End spoiler.
Review:
Overall this is an excellent film that should resonate with most men who have had a past of sowing one's oats. This is sort of the Anti-Don Juan story, in where Don's past catches up with him and bachelorhood is shown for what it truly is, a life of loneliness, broken hearts, and meaningless sex. "Broken Flowers" will leave those who practice serial monogamy and one night stands with a healthy fear of the consequences of such a lifestyle, yet does so without coming off as preachy or self righteous.
The only flaw with this movie is that some of the scenes are painfully stagnant, as some of the shots are carried for long periods of time. In some instances this works exceptionally well, like during the awkward dinner at Dora's house, but other times certain shots could retain the humor and be fifteen seconds shorter. "Broken Flowers" tends to be a slow moving film with little dialogue, and most of its focus is on facial expression and body language. Unfortunately, this both helps and hurts the film as some of the subtlety will be lost on audience members with short attention spans.
Overall, I give this film an A-.
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